I had been working long hours as a volunteer for a building project, plus doing my regular job as a cost estimator for several months. The evening was cold and the bed would feel great to collapse in. Just before retiring, I opened the window for some fresh air to move through the room. It would be a sound night of sleep. I did not have a clue that tonight would be a night of significance with a life changing moment for me.
I have been told that I snore, but not as loud as my sons. We once stayed at my oldest sons house in western Minnesota, and his wife and friends complained they did not sleep at all that night. Something about the house vibrating, shaking, and loud chainsaws being used in our room. The guys had decided to bunk all together, as it was a 2-bedroom house with 4 couples. The men had one room and the ladies had the other. But the closed doors were not any protection or dampening device of loud snoring. I will admit, I awoke once, and had trouble going back to sleep.
However, on this particular night, after the long day of physical activity, I was totally exhausted. As I was lying down, I was instantly asleep before my head hit the fluffy down pillow. I was oblivious to the world.
I am plodding towards a bridge; my arms are full of suitcases, pulling the one behind me adds to the struggle of making headway. With this entire luggage I am carrying, I wonder where am I headed? Upon reaching a crest of a hill, I eye the black iron bridge I would have to cross. It is cold out, as it is the middle of the winter, and the bridge is crossing a frozen river. As I approached the bridge, I sit on one suitcase to rest for just a minute. Feeling refreshed, I get up and start across the bridge to the other side. On reaching the other side, I walk down to the riverbank, thinking that the frozen river would be easier walking. As I glance up, there on the other side of the river and bridge is the suitcase I had been sitting on. Grumbling, I decide to climb the pilings and make a quick trip of this. As I reach the top of the pilings, I reach out for a handhold to grab onto for pulling myself up and over to the top.
Thinking, I have a firm grip, I pull and release my other had, only to realize I have lost my grip. Falling backwards, my thoughts are of slight panic. As I hit the ice, I feel the ice giving way, and the cold flowing water enveloping me. Thinking fast, I look up to keep my eyes focused on the hole in the ice, as I have to escape through that hole! As the current grabs my body, I see the hole fade into the distance, and my lungs start to burn. Flaying my arms, I struggle to swim, to do any stroke at all, but the heavy winter clothes and boots pull me deeper into the dark cold depths. My mind flashes a thought of letting go and allowing what is happening to happen.
In an instant, I am looking down on the body floating with outreached arms, as if clawing in desperation, and the mouth opening as if trying to grab a gulp of air. The eyes are wide opened as if calling for help. Like an observer, I sense the desperation, and yet it does not seem to concern me as the body sinks slowly into the depths.
Instantly, all is black, and I am now floating in a formless void. It is an odd sensation, and yet, with the feeling of "being at peace", there is a sensation of flying, as if with an unseen power and I wonder, "is this what is next?"
Then off in the distance, is just a pinpoint of white intense light, high energy, and the inner feeling that everything is okay. I feel myself being pulled as if with a giant magnet or force towards the intense light source.
Gasping, I awake, as a silent cry leaves my mouth; I notice my heart is racing, and yet I was at peace. What happened? Then I remember the dream, parts at 1st, and slowly recognition starts to dawn on me.
At 1st, It was all foggy, but I still remembered the dream, as if being I was an observer in my dream of what was transpiring to me. Then the suitcase came into my mind, as it was still on the other side of the bridge. Feelings tell me it was something important, but not needed anymore. What had been in that suitcase? What baggage had I been carrying? Would I need it? Lots of questions went through my mind, and rolling over, I went back to sleep, knowing an inner peace to a question unasked. But, the dream seems to be pulling at my subconsciousness.
Six months later, in the doctor office, I am complaining about being overly tired. We discuss it, and he said it may be sleep apnea, and to consider loosing a few pounds, and going to bed earlier. It also may be stress related. Otherwise, I am in perfect health, and to come back in a year. Then I remember the dream, and in casual conversation mention that night in details. He looks at me, his face has gone white, and he is scribbling on his notepad and order forms. He orders a sleep study to be done within a week, as he is highly concerned the airways had collapsed, and the drowning, and floating away from the body was a sign of something far more serious than thought just minutes earlier.
But, I still wonder, what was in that suitcase? And yet, it does not matter. The remembrance of the glowing white light in the void of darkness brings a calm reassurance that all is as it is intended to be. All is well and everything will be okay.
Epilogue; It is now 5+ years later and for me, this night has impacted my life like no other single event has. For me it is a very personal story and powerful totem about “letting go” and that everything is going to be “okay.” At the time of the dream, my inner spirit was at “war” over spirituality and Christian dogma; what to believe, who is right, and how to reconcile my life to my beliefs.
Some have said that I am a “walk in,” as it seems my personality or path changed a lot. For me, that night was a catalyst that solidified the direction my heart was saying to take.
So often in my life, I resorted to logic, “mind logic” and would disregard the heart “logos”. Mind logic and the thinker ruled! Heart “logos” on the other hand is Greek and refers to the logic of the heart, or love logic. The mind can justify anything with reasoning and what is best. Heart “logos’ is a path that some say humanity is on, and only when we judge or perceive with the “logos” of the heart, will we come to realize peace in our time. Heart “logos” by some scholars is thought to be what Jesus was secretly teaching the disciples; how to use judgment/”logos” of the heart in all their doings. I prefer the Greek word of “logos” for logic as it is carries a different meaning for me.
Where will I be in 5 years from now is hard to say, and this I do know, I will be ok – no matter what I find along my path.